pain in remembrance
by darkmistress in the shadows
Summary: She is the single vessel of his memories. ShikaSaku


**pain in remembrance  
****Disclaimer:** I do not own _Naruto  
_**Characters/Pairing**: ShikaSaku  
**Rating**: PG-13  
**Warnings:** language  
**Summary**: She is the single vessel of his memories.

* * *

-x-

* * *

He stands upon the guards tower on the gates, over looking the vast forest before him. Wind blows around him and soft music plays softly from below.

"You signed up for gate duty just to escape the celebration, didn't you?"

The voice floats from beside him and he turns to spy the pink haired girl clad in green, apparently making it up the stairway without his notice. Not that it matters. What he needs to worry about is possible intruders on the outside, not bumble-gum wonders climbing up stairs to trouble him.

Ignoring her, he glances back to the land of trees. Daylight begins to die and the sunset displays colors across the sky. It's comforting to look at so he focuses on that for just a moment before it's interrupted by her form leaning against the railing, sharing his view of the sun setting.

"Funny how you do that each time I even look at you," she remarks with a quiet smile, still staring at the sky. Her arms fold over the railing and she sighs.

Against his better judgment, he takes the bait. "Do what, exactly?"

"Pretend I don't exist anymore."

"Don't be foolish," he sighs out, decidedly tearing his eyes from the sky and glancing at her with annoyance.

"It's like I've died in your _troublesome_ world."

His scowl deepens and he turns his attention back to the lookout. "I'm on duty, Sakura. Leave me be."

A chuckle rises from her throat and she, once again, follows his action and stares out. "I requested gate duty tonight too. You should know they wouldn't let a guard up here without warrant."

Dread floods him. He'll have to the share the night with her, just when he had wished to escape everyone. And, despite denying it earlier, he desires to avoid her as much as possible. There nothing familiar about this small ANBU duty at the gate and he took it in order to stir away from this evenings festivities. Seemingly, this would not work out as he hoped.

Quietness falls upon the two and she rests against the post, while he uses the railing as support. There's simply no escape from her; he briefly wonders if this is how Uchiha Sasuke felt, but he extinguishes the thought. Uchiha was an ungrateful bastard and too foolish to accept friends. At least he actually listens to what she says and not run away (well, he's not running away now anyway). So comparing himself to her other teammate won't do any good for either of them.

Tiredly, he quickly glances at the young woman, who flickers her eyes over his form in return only to look back at the forest. Darkness finally falls upon the sky but that doesn't stop the celebration below. He doesn't stay bitter for them to rejoice the wars are over with-it's admirable to celebrate the Nation's Treaty every year. He thinks they should never forget that day all the countries finally signed an agreement for the nin wars to cease for now and the future. However, every bit of that came with a price, something he cannot rejoice about.

Silently, he wonders why she seems so same, yet different since the four years this new 'peace treaty' took place. More reserved, yet equally as involved with everything that deals with the hokage's work. He supposes that's what some people call "growing up" however he thinks otherwise. Loosing friends to the hands of Death can do things to you, and things definitely happened to her four years ago. Part of him empathizes and understands her, the part of him that hasn't forgotten how to problem-solve and love. Nonetheless, most of him fosters on feelings of bitterness and contempt, ready to build more walls to keep others out. And she's one of them, no matter how much she's changed (for better or for worse).

"It's different now," she remarks, eyes glued to the dark sky. He raises his head slightly to let her know he heard her. "I mean the sunsets and stars."

"How so?"

"I don't know," the ANBU woman murmurs. "It cries out to me because I've lost something."

He frowns and closes his eyes. "You're not the only one who has lost something, Sakura."

Her head turns to him, hair brushing over her face. "Then it's the same for you? You feel it too, don't you, Shikamaru."

No reply is given and she assumingly gives up. He thinks he has too.

-x-

They don't speak to each other for the rest of the night, but he walks her home after their shift is over.

-x-

Temari stops by his apartment today and he allows her to rummage through his cupboards for food.

"Kankuro got kicked out of the restaurants last time and has some restraining order," she explains, holding a box of cereal and some ramen containers to her chest, "I'll pay you back."

"No need," he sighs out, gazing outside through the window.

She offers a strange look. "Is something wrong?"

He glances over her face seriously. "Did you ever think about marrying me?"

The curious and worried look from before disappears and is replaced by a withdrawn and guarded mask. "Shikamaru, we've gone over this a thousand times."

"No," he corrects her, "We've gone over the terms of our relationship. There's never been a mention of marriage."

"And you had to break that unspoken rule, _why_?"

"I wasn't aware that it was a rule."

With slight defeat, Temari sits down next to him and sighs.

"Yeah, if it helps you, I did think about marrying you once," she says quietly. "It was years ago before the war, when we were still together."

"Then why didn't you tell me? Circumstances might have changed."

"Why?" she parrots with exasperation. "Nara, we were on the brink of war and I had an obligation to my brothers. Besides, we were so young and stupid. And I _like_ how circumstances are now," she stands, ready to go. "I like how I can be your friend. I like seeing your face and having no regrets. I like staying with my brothers. I like how it is, Shikamaru. Why is it so hard for _you_ to move on?"

She leaves with the food, taking the calamity and relief with her. He's sure she'll get to sleep tonight, but he won't. Things would have been different if they married. He would have been happier, most likely, with a family. Worn out, he leans his head against the window glass and thinks that, maybe, he's regretting a little bit too much.

-x-

When turning the corner, something large and frail hits against his vest-covered chest, something with a small gasp and flustered cheeks. Before he can catch her, she's falling on the ground in a flurry of pink hair and an _oof_! Emerald eyes blink up to his dark ones. Snapping out of whatever daze he was in, he grips her wrist and yanks her up. She nearly falls again but his body holds her support and he doesn't let go.

"In a hurry?"

He wants to tell her yes, because that's his excuse each time he bumps into a friend from the past (and, in her case, he literally bumped into her). But something crosses her features that asks for honesty and calls for company. It's not long before he knows the look matches his own.

Shaking his head, he digs his hands in his pockets and closes his eyes.

"Walk with me?"

With all his heart, he doesn't want to. She reminds him of summer air, when he used to smile and things weren't as difficult as they ironically were now. But he agrees anyway because, well, she can't hurt him anymore than what happened four years before.

So he lets her lead the way as she runs small errands, taking her time and commenting on this and that. In some small way, it's comforting and feels familiar somehow. When she's finished, she glances over to see him still there. She smiles.

"It's your day off, isn't it?"

Nodding, "I was looking for a job but Tsunade-sama offered no mission for today."

"There's still a few hours left until the day is over. Come with me."

He raises an eyebrow. "Where?"

"Anywhere. Any place you want."

"Home. To sleep."

She frowns and purses her lips. Taking his wrist, mirroring his move from this morning, she leads him down hallways and streets until he realizes she's truly heading home. He protests but she ignores him, even when he threatens to report the 'harassment' to the hokage. But that would be too troublesome, so he just lets her.

When they reach his apartment door, he allows her to come inside and offers a drink but she sits down on the couch and lies her head back. Frowning, he drags himself to his room and drops on the bed. He's tired and tomorrow there will be a mission. So he forgets that she's there and figures she'll be gone in the morning.

-x-

She's there in the morning.

And, yes, it bothers him that she helps herself to his food and cleans his living room. Dust is everywhere as she takes a rag across the bookshelf (that he never uses). Coughing, the Nara hides back in his room until she's all finished, deciding not to interrupt.

"All right," she pokes her head inside his bedroom while he's in the middle of trying to take a nap, "When do you have that mission?"

"In about two hours," he mumbles, turning over to his side.

She doesn't reply and he hears the door open and close. He sighs, torn between the desire for some sort of company and the annoyance of her being there in the first place.

He wakes up to her shaking him, reminding him to get ready for the job.

-x-

When he comes back the next day, she's still in his apartment. He makes a mental note to change the lock on his door.

-x-

He ends up giving her the spare key. And his bed. And basically almost everything else in his apartment and all he can do is watch as she gradually takes over his home.

Not that he's complaining. Actually, he doesn't mind having the friendly company. Sleeping on the couch isn't so bad after awhile. (Not really. He'd like to have his bed back, to be honest.) They talk to each other often now and he's just fine with that. It's strange, but it's almost feeling like it had before, when they could have intelligent conversations, when she'd laugh and he'd smile. Almost.

-x-

They walk together in the streets today, quietly observing others (just another thing they have in common).

"You think the Nation's Treaty will last?"

"If not, we'll just have to fix it."

"Naruto used to say things like that."

"Naruto isn't alive anymore," he reminds her softly.

Turning away, she answers, "But at least I remember when he was."

-x-

His life has changed drastically since four yeas ago, when his friends were still alive (Asuma, Ino, Chouji, Naruto...) but he tries to forget it. However, he keeps glancing over to Sakura and memories creep back to him. As he closes his eyes, he remembers laughing with friends, spending time with the people he cares about.

She's the single vessel left that holds these shared memories and it scares him that he's allowed her to come this close.

-x-

Temari bumps his shoulder playfully. "You've changed. Is it because of her moving in?"

"She didn't move in, she's temporarily staying in my apartment," he corrects her in a deadpan, ignoring her snort of disbelief. "And what makes you think I've changed?"

"You just smiled at a joke I made. I think that qualifies as changing, considering the past few years have turned you into a stone."

He doesn't bother with a counter.

"Why is she living with you?"

"She doesn't live with me. She only stays here when it's convenient."

It's quiet and he glances at her to see a raised eyebrow.

"I hope you know how many hidden messages are in your explanations."

"I'm aware."

"Then maybe you could be a bit more detailed and not let me think otherwise."

He gives her a look that says he doesn't really feel like it.

-x-

The door to his apartment slams closed and loud stomps are heard throughout the small home. Suddenly, he's very thankful no one lives downstairs, or else there would be about a hundred complaints by now.

Angrily, she storms into his room and plops onto the bed near his feet. He offers one glance before continuing to read through his mission transcripts. In two weeks, he'll be taking a mission that'll take a few days to finish and he's leader. So flaws aren't an exception. She begins mumbling something into the mattress but he ignores it until he's done.

"What happened?"

She shoots up, fists in front of her and a dark expression. "The whole damn village thinks I'm a slut!"

Okay. That's new. He blinks at the outburst and sighs. "It's just gossip, Sakura, don't pay any mind to it. They'll forget it in days."

Her face turns red in frustration. "Their mouths speak of my whereabouts. They think _we_ are intimate. And I'm tired of this. Those stupid people say things each time I'm spotted with a man!"

"Again, just forget about it. It' won't matter to them later," he scoots closer to her and lies his head down tiredly.

"It matters to me, Shikamaru. It's ten times worse than when I was with Naruto."

"People were out to get Naruto from the start, so it's obvious they would target you in demeaning words."

"They're saying things about you too, you know," she says in a low whisper, as if half-deciding not to inform him.

"I know."

Yeah, he knows that they say he's a failure since his whole team died off and he could have stopped it. He knows they talk about how he isolates himself from the world. He knows they speak of disgusting rumors just to pass the time.

But he's shut that part of him that cared down because, otherwise, it would hurt.

"Tell me how to ignore them."

"You can't do that, Sakura," placing his hand in hers, "You're too good for that."

-x-

Things begin to change and he's not scared of it like before. Waking up, he enjoys knowing someone else is there in the kitchen. He likes sharing a world together with her because it's been so troublesome to be alone for so long.

-x-

"I'll be back in probably four days," he tells her and she travels through the living room to meet him at the door. "But don't be alarmed if it's longer."

Lips curl into a smirk as she fixes the headband in her hair. "I know the drill. We're both nins, remember?"

Returning her knowing smirk, he begins through the door. Her hand catches his wrist suddenly and his eyes spy her hesitant look. Her eyes are downcast until a second later when she offers an awkward chuckle.

"Look at us, acting like we're a married couple."

There's a small, sheepish smile on her lips before he feels them upon his.

-x-

(He returns the kiss too because-_shh, don't tell_-it feels so damn right.)

-x-

The mission doesn't take four days. Just one day more, but it doesn't matter. It's a get in-get out deal; get the information needed and get the hell out.

So, over all, he's bored when it's that easy. And coming home they run into a storm, hence why it takes another day.

-x-

The second he comes through the door, something is wrong.

Temari and her brother sit at the table, as if they were waiting the whole time. She stares up grimly and tries a smile. He's always hated it when she feigns emotions; it's never been like her and it only means something terrible has happened. Kankuro stands and decides to say what his sister cannot.

"Look, man, you might want to sit down," the brunette gestures to the seat next to Temari. "We have to tell ya something."

His lips turn into a thin line before he demands, "Where is Sakura?"

It's in vain, but he begins towards the living room to look for her in hopes she'll be there. They follow him quietly as he moves to the bedroom, turning on the light to search for her. Not there. Maybe the bathroom. Or the storage room.

"Shikamaru," Temari calls to him shakily, "Tsunade-sama asked me to tell you...since it seems you and Sakura have grown close."

He whips around with a stern look.

"_Where_?"

-x-

His heart beats just as fast as his feet hit against the ground. When he reaches the medical center, he still doesn't slow down. He slams into one wall, almost falling over, but recovers and seeks out her signature. The room is close and when he enters it, someone pulls him back.

Nurses surround the small, frail body on the hospital bed. In the blurred faces and loud voices, he spots Tsunade applying chakra. They tell him he needs to leave but he pushes them away. Unknowingly, he's shouting things at them, shouting things at Sakura. _What the hell happened? Why is she even in here? Why'd didn't she stay at the apartment? What's going on?_

"Let him stay."

"Tsunade-sama..." one doubtful nurse questions but loosens her grip on him.

The hokage closes her eyes and sighs before looking directly at the Nara. "She's awake. Come here, Nara Shikamaru."

Immediately, he obeys and kneels over the bed, where Sakura stares up at the ceiling, eyes glazed and unfocused. Her skin so white and bruised, the lips he kissed are now covered in blood.

"Sakura...?"

Her head rolls to his side and her eyes land upon his face. A waning smile brightens her features until the heart monitor screams through the room.

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee__._

-x-

"She was to go on a two-day mission. Retrieve an item and come back. It took two people to do the job, but her partner was a chuunin-in-training-an apprentice of hers. So there wasn't much man power to back her up."

He stays quiet as his hokage explains things. Besides, he's afraid if he starts talking, he'll loose control.

"I don't have much details, but they got them good and left them to die. The kid made it through, however. All this was just today."

He can't look at anyone else in the room, though he knows they're all staring.

-x-

The world he once knew is gone now. That little nostalgia feeling he had with her has withered away.

-x-

"Don't do this," Temari begs him, five days after, "Please...get a mission. Or come to Suna for awhile. Just don't stay here."

"It's my home, I can pay rent," he comments, sweeping the kitchen floor, "I think I'm doing just fine."

Her hand lands on his shoulder. "Shikamaru, she's in a coma. Odds are she's not coming back."

-x-

There's not much he lived for after Chouji died. He had believed that, maybe, he could live on if he worked for the village he loved so much. Chouji defended it with his dying breath, so it must have been special. Asuma protected him with _his_ dying breath and Ino protected their dignity with hers and Naruto protected _everything_.

He's afraid that if Sakura dies, she may not be protecting anything but simply open a new and dark chapter for him.

-x-

Shikamaru leans against the door frame of his bedroom, glancing lightly over the packed boxes and stripped bed. There's nothing left to do but take them outside, where Temari and her brother wait to help him offically move out.

Over to his right, he remembers that's where he and Chouji used to play Go in the corner. On the bed, Sakura would be found after a hard day at work, laid out across the sheets. Ino had always stored her extra training clothes in the closet "just in case".

Tightly shutting his eyes, he desperately attempts to forget all these memories. Before, when Sakura was with him, it didn't matter because it didn't _hurt_. Now there's nothing but pain in remembrance. Everything before was wrong and now he cannot bear to stay here, where ghosts linger.

He walks slowly down the hallway, listening to the floorboards creak beneath his shoes. A box in his hands, he starts for the door. Before he reaches it, the door opens quietly, allowing light to flood in to the dark apartment. He expects Kankuro to say something about hurrying up, or Temari to ask if he needs help, so he doesn't look up to see.

"You look _so sad_."

His eyes snap up and he freezes in his spot. She stands there so calmly and reserved. Hair into a loose ponytail and emerald eyes darkened with tiredness, the smile she gives him is the most honest thing he's seen in awhile. She steps closer and he backs away, fearing that if she touches him that the spell will break. She ignores it.

Taking the box away from him and placing it softly upon the kitchen table, she nears, cupping his face within her palms. He holds her wrists hard, testing the validity of her presence. She chuckles and he embraces her in haste.

"When...when did you...?"

"Silly boy, I'm here to stay."

-x-

Life still looks pretty bleak but she laughs at it, kissing the doubt off his mouth.

"Don't worry. I'll make sure it'll be better than it was."

* * *

-x-

* * *

Written for an lj prompt "everything as it was". There needs to be more ShikaSaku.

Enjoy.


End file.
